Today’s challenge is about the hardest thing I have ever experienced.
In all honesty I’m still facing it.
I choose to share this particular experience because I feel like thus far I’ve only shared the good aspects of who I am and in order for someone to really understand who you are they’ve got to know the good and the bad.
With that being said, I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned how stupid I was in my adolescence but boy was I stupid!!!
I knew at a very young age that all I wanted to do was marry Rebekah and God revealed to me that He co-signed that desire of mine by a series small signs. Sadly I didn’t adhere to this because I was told by a number of people that I was too young to understand how God speaks.
So instead of listening to that I listened to my elders who themselves were terribly misguided. This led to my unfaithfulness. I was told not to jump into wanting to marry a girl if I hadn’t done much dating as a young adult. I was told to test the waters and experience women a little in order to know whether or not this woman was the right one.
But I didn’t want to leave Rebekah
so instead I was unfaithful and lied to her about it.
I don’t blame anyone for my actions. I own up and take full blame for not knowing better, for not listening to my intuition, for not using better judgement, and for being immature, I own up to all of it. IT IS ALL MY FAULT.
We resolved most of it the year it all happened but I left out the worse of the worse parts. So last year before I proposed I came clean of every dirty deed that was ever done. I felt that if she were going to marry me she deserved to know so she could choose to willingly enter a marriage with me and my baggage or withdraw.
She chose to forgive me and move forward, She chose to love me instead of resenting me, she chose to let the past be the past. It would be so nice if after this there was a happily ever after
Sometimes it feels like the world is against me because through a situation or circumstance there will be a reminder of something that I did all those years ago.
For instance, I will go for a walk with my lady and see a person that I was unfaithful with walking in our direction.
on my Instagram which I use to spread the word of God and keep in touch with family and close friends there will be people in the search bar that I once dated or something when I’ve never searched for them or visited their pages.
My wife at times will become deeply troubled by these things and will ask me questions like, “why are they there if you’ve never looked them up, or why we passed by that woman and why it had to be at this very time that we decided to walk?”
Though I understand her discomfort, out of frustration for myself I lose my patience for the questions and get angry with her. I tell her to stop asking me why because I don’t know, I tell her, “stop worrying about them because all they are is the past.” and I express how much I hate these conversations because I hate living with the fact that I wasn’t 100% faithful throughout the entirety of our relationship. I get angrier the more she drags out the conversation and I truthfully have no right to do so.
I always apologize soon after, we don’t bicker for long and our discussions never get to a point to where we jab at one another or use profane language.
I just can’t take being reminded of all of the crap I did and it’s always just a random circumstance. It’s never like my wife just brings something up out of the blue. Something will literally just occur where it’s a reminder.
Its damaging when you’ve grown and matured and your a better person than who you were but for some reason life keeps reminding you of where you were instead of where you’re going or even where you are. I mean for goodness sake I was in my mid teens when these things took place and I’m nearing my mid twenties now and yet I still can’t put these things to rest for good
So the hardest thing I’ve ever faced is something I’m still facing. It’s me coping with being unfaithful to a woman that only ever deserved my fully devoted love.
But God helps us to put it away, He helps us to stay strong and move forward, He teaches me to be patient and listen and help her get past everything when things come up.
Nowadays people get divorced for some of the dumbest reasons, but by the grace of God my wife chose to marry me in the midst of a struggle that most people get divorced for.
God heals all wounds and helps us to conquer all obstacles. Even though Satin tries to load our backs up with burdens Jesus tells us to cast them on Him. God reminds us of the journey and blessings ahead and keeps us focused on the moment. The more we focus on God the happier we are and the less bothersome these things are.
I’m sure that soon with the help of God the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced will be strictly past tense!