30 day blog challenge day 7. My hardest experience.

Today’s challenge is about the hardest thing I have ever experienced.

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In all honesty I’m still facing it.

I choose to share this particular experience because I feel like thus far I’ve only shared the good aspects of who I am and in order for someone to really understand who you are they’ve got to know the good and the bad.

With that being said,  I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned how stupid I was in my adolescence but boy was I stupid!!!

I knew at a very young age that all I wanted to do was marry Rebekah and God revealed to me that He co-signed that desire of mine by a series small signs. Sadly I didn’t adhere to this because I was told by a number of people that I was too young to understand how God speaks.

So instead of listening to that I listened to my elders who themselves were terribly misguided. This led to my unfaithfulness. I was told not to jump into wanting to marry a girl if I hadn’t done much dating as a young adult. I was told to test the waters and experience women a little in order to know whether or not this woman was the right one.

But I didn’t want to leave Rebekah

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so instead I was unfaithful and lied to her about it.

I don’t blame anyone for my actions. I own up and take full blame for not knowing better, for not listening to my intuition, for not using better judgement, and for being immature, I own up to all of it. IT IS ALL MY FAULT.

We resolved most of it the year it all happened but I left out the worse of the worse parts. So last year before I proposed I came clean of every dirty deed that was ever done. I felt that if she were going to marry me she deserved to know so she could choose to willingly enter a marriage with me and my baggage or withdraw.
She chose to forgive me and move forward, She chose to love me instead of resenting me, she chose to let the past be the past. It would be so nice if after this there was a happily ever after

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but no!

Sometimes it feels like the world is against me because through a situation or circumstance there will be a reminder of something that I did all those years ago.

For instance, I will go for a walk with my lady and see a person that I was unfaithful with walking in our direction.

or

on my Instagram which I use to spread the word of God and keep in touch with family and close friends there will be people in the search bar that I once dated or something when I’ve never searched for them or visited their pages.

My wife at times will become deeply troubled by these things and will ask me questions like, “why are they there if you’ve never looked them up, or why we passed by that woman and why it had to be at this very time that we decided to walk?”

Though I understand her discomfort, out of frustration for myself I lose my patience for the questions and get angry with her. I tell her to stop asking me why because I don’t know, I tell her, “stop worrying about them because all they are is the past.” and I express how much I hate these conversations because I hate living with the fact that I wasn’t 100% faithful throughout the entirety of our relationship. I get angrier the more she drags out the conversation and I truthfully have no right to do so.

I always apologize soon after, we don’t bicker for long and our discussions never get to a point to where we jab at one another or use profane language.

I just can’t take being reminded of all of the crap I did and it’s always just a random circumstance. It’s never like my wife just brings something up out of the blue. Something will literally just occur where it’s a reminder.

Its damaging when you’ve grown and matured and your a better person than who you were but for some reason life keeps reminding you of where you were instead of where you’re going or even where you are. I mean for goodness sake I was in my mid teens when these things took place and I’m nearing my mid twenties now and yet I still can’t put these things to rest for good

So the hardest thing I’ve ever faced is something I’m still facing. It’s me coping with being unfaithful to a woman that only ever deserved my fully devoted love.

But God helps us to put it away, He helps us to stay strong and move forward, He teaches me to be patient and listen and help her get past everything when things come up.

Nowadays people get divorced for some of the dumbest reasons, but by the grace of God my wife chose to marry me in the midst of a struggle that most people get divorced for.

God heals all wounds and helps us to conquer all obstacles. Even though Satin tries to load our backs up with burdens Jesus  tells us to cast them on Him. God reminds us of the journey and blessings ahead and keeps us focused on the moment. The more we focus on God the happier we are and the less bothersome these things are.

I’m sure that soon with the help of God the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced will be strictly past tense!

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8 thoughts on “30 day blog challenge day 7. My hardest experience.

  1. Julian, I read this post a few days ago and my eyes filled with tears … my heart breaks for you both and after praying for a few days – I felt the Holy Spirit revealing to me to pray with you both
    PS Before I forget thank you for your prayers for me and my family and I think I forgot to respond to your question …. My a name is Joanne but you can call me savedbygrace2009 LOL LOL or Courtney’s mom I get that one a lot !! LOL LOL
    Dear God
    I thank you for my sister and brother in Christ
    (Julian and Rebekah) although I do not know them like You –
    I do know they are both hurting and I know they need You !!

    God you know everything about them – even the number of hairs on their
    heads because that is how much you love them both !
    They are your masterpiece and you have joined them
    together in marriage.

    Today I lift up each them up together, individually, and
    their marriage and I ask for healing in Jesus Name ~
    complete healing from the bondage of pain, guilt, hurt,
    fear, frustration, etc… and I ask you give them both a complete
    peace that can only come from You !

    Heavenly Father – you sent your son Jesus to be
    crucified for all of our sins and we are washed as white
    as snow by the blood of Jesus – help them to forgive and to
    no longer look in the rearview mirror of their past but into the
    wide window going forward into their future.

    I believe the enemy likes to remind us of our mistakes and every time we fall short … but
    in Your eyes are sins are cast as far as the east is from the west – thank you for that …
    we are no longer held in bondage of our sins – Jesus has set us free –

    Please help them to look in each other’s eyes and know that You joined them together for a purpose and to trust You ~ reminding them that with God all things are possible and they can and will overcome these obstacles.

    I also pray that you will help them fight the spiritual battle they are in –
    the enemy tries so hard to turn us against the ones we love ~
    Please equip them both to fight the enemy and not allow the enemy to do what he does best – lie, deceive, and destroy.

    God lastly I pray that you bless their baby – and I thank you for this little miracle you are giving them both – I pray this baby reminds them of their love for each other and for You.
    I ask these things in Jesus’ Name Our Lord and Savior
    Amen

    Liked by 1 person

    1. One of the most exhilarating experiences I’ve ever had was praying for someone in front of them. It is so nerve racking but so moving. It is so powerful and God truly moves through you as you send a message to him for someone. This prayer was not only helpful right on time and appreciated. It was an amazing experience for me and assurance from God letting me know that I am moving in the right direction. Any time you are set on a path and the reactions that you spark from people are things such as this God is a part of it. I could have made this story all about me I could have placed myself in the forefront of this whole blog and made myself famous but instead I sought to give God the glory and through this I was shown that that is just what I am doing. You prayed for my wife and I because I showcased my imperfections and desire for a close and prosperous relationship with God. You are seeing all the right things in me that verify to me that each post is making God known and not myself known. This was a bit all over the place but I really just had a tremendous amount of zeal after reading and had a hard time expressing my love for things like this hahahaha

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re are welcome Julian – I admire and commend you for being so transparent in your blog. It took courage and a lot of humility to write that post.
        Again I agree with you – God is at work in your life and your marriage ~ as I prayed for you both I felt that – it was an honor going to God for you in prayer.
        I teach a Christian Counseling Class and you are so right – when there is an issue and one person prays for another person out loud amazing things transpire. . .
        Like Jesus told us Matthew 18:20
        For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.”

        I am praising the Lord for all He is going to do in your life & marriage ! I had a friend one time with a very strong faith pray fervently for me and I saw mountains move – They told me they were praising the Lord for what He had in store and I was taken back as my faith at the time was not as strong as theirs however God put this person in my life for a purpose and my faith grew leaps and bounds ~ God is orchestrating awesome things for you –
        and I will continue to pray and praise Him.
        God bless you my brother in Christ

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Your comments help me to know that I sent the right message in my posts. Transparency is exactly what I was hoping for. I showed the prayer to my wife and she was awe struck by the love and concern that a stranger yet relative in Christ could have. The age we live in can quickly deter you from the idea that true Christ followers that care and love one another are out there. You are teaching us both a lot and helping us to grow and most of all you are setting a great example as an elder of how we should conduct ourselves. Lol you are either legitimately being led with each sentence by the holy spirit or you are somehow reading my mind or stalking what we study at home. Every time you mention a bible verse it is a bible verse that my wife and I either hold in high regard or came across recently that helped us through or taught us a great deal. Matthew 18 brought us to a whole new level when it comes to prayer and fellowship. after reading that we began to pray together more and praise God at home by listening to music and singing together. Your right on point. I’m looking forward to more posts from you and seeing more comments because they are beyond encouraging!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. WOW !! I am humbled & teary eyed … full of emotion and moved beyond measure to see how the Holy Spirit is moving and using me as His vessel to speak to you and your wife. ALL the PRAISE & GLORY to the Lord … Our Lord and Savior is amazing !!!
        I am standing strong in prayer and praise asking Him to move mountains in your marriage and your lives. Praising Him today for all He has planned for you both !!
        My 20 years of marriage is ALL Jesus !! He is our rock and He is the reason we are together. This world will try to tear you and Rebekah apart but hold on tight to Jesus and to each other …. He will get you through. I believe God is definitely using me to speak into your lives and I am more than happy to be His vessel – so I praise Him with you both – I know we are strangers but in Christ we are family ~ and we will spend eternity in Heaven – I can only imagine how amazing it will be. In the meantime here on earth I feel blessed to be a very small part of God’s amazing plans for you, your wife, and soon to be baby !!
        God bless you – may His love and protection be on you ~ and I pray He gives you wisdom and discernment to fight the enemy when he tries to attack.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Just keep reigning in the words of wisdom and I will feel blessed with each word that proceeds. I’m thankful for your guidance and prayer! I look forward to each comment that I read from you because I know I’m about to learn something or recieve something from God hahahaha!

        also If you have the time I am working on a new project. I have a skeptic at my job who is convinced that the story of Jesus is copied from ancient belief systems. A lot of skeptics and atheists believe the same things as well.

        for example an ancient “god” by the name of Attis, Horus, and a few others are mentioned.

        If you know anything about this topic or are interested in helping out let me know, I sure could use a hand

        Like

      5. Thank you so much and May God be Glorified and I am happily willing to be His vessel ~ I am so happy to hear you are sharing Jesus at work – that takes a lot of courage and I commend you for that – I just posted my Apologetics 101 Blog on Jesus and pagan gods – If you have additional questions please let me know I am happy to share whatever knowledge God has given me to help you give people whatever information they need to see truth and make Jesus their Lord and Savior.
        God bless 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Thank you so much for helping out. I had already done a bit of research but thought you’d be a great helping hand. oh how right I was hahaha God bless you sister I’ll be re-blogging that along with all of your other great work! It seems as though atheists or people who simply just do not want to follow a God will come up with any reason not to. Honestly its depressing because it is like come on. is eternity worth nothing to you. Is it worth your pride to go to hell? How can you receive the truth and still deny the existence of God. That just means you are willingly not believing in a God that you know is there just to appease your comfortability. Thank you sister for putting another poor argument against God to rest. You Rock!!!

        Like

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