God wont let me

I’m a block away from home with a suitcase in my hand and a big smile on my face, “finally I’m home after an amazing vacation with my wife’s family.” This is the very thought that ran through my mind when suddenly my eyes began to burn. I can taste the potent and bitter taste of it before I can tell what “it” is. “Weed” I say out loud followed by a huge sigh and a head nod. That’s when I remembered, “She’s still here.”

For years I have had to suffer behind the same two individuals, every mistake they made became my punishment. Every time they would fall I would feel the impact and it has come to a point where we’re all adults now and I just cant take it anymore. Their excuses, lies, foul mouths, borderline schizophrenic accusations toward myself and my mother, their selfish intentions, blatant disrespect and disregard for other peoples lives, their judgmental perspectives and attitudes, and their inability to take responsibility for their own actions ENOUGH, I’ve had enough. The most disheartening part is that it’s my sisters. It saddens me to say that the days where we all would confide and trust one another, laugh and joke and look out for each other are long gone. All they do for me now is cause hardship and suffering and as I reflect on all of the things that they do to make life miserable I ask God, “why wont you let me leave?”

I’m not desperate to live here nor do I need this place. I have the means, the desire, the connections and a good reputation; I can leave this house and rid myself of this issue but God wont let me. He told me to stay right where I am, that the house I am living in now will be my home and the place my children will inherit. I reply to God saying, “I love this place, the neighborhood is safe and beautiful and I would love to start a family here but not under these conditions, why do I have to put up with this”?

In the midst of my dilemma God reminds me of the exodus from Egypt. Moses had to put up with the wining, bickering, backsliding, unfaithful, faithless in the site of God, ungrateful attitudes of hundreds of thousands of Israelites. Along the way Moses became frustrated with Israel and his frustration caused him to make a mistake that prohibited him from entering the promised land. God reminded me to stay calm and trust in Him. He led me to a sermon that stressed the importance of staying patient and when your patience begins to wear pray for the grace of Jesus to abound abundantly in you. Paul said “I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. 10 So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I found that the answer to my problem was to turn my disdain for my struggle into delight. After Giving my burden to God and setting aside my anger I waited and soon after one problem after another was solved.

I’m still waiting for it all to be worked out but I know God is working. So until it’s all said and done I will continue to wait on God prayerfully and patiently and thank Him for this opportunity to suffer for Him.

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